The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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