Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
