I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
