Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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