my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
