omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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