I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
