I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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