I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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