There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
