You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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