Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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