I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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