i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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