I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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