I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
