Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize