Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
