Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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