can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
