yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize