my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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