I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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