i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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