Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We had sex on a dog bed..
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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