God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
