You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
