When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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