I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
