So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
