She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
