Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
