while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
