turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
