So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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