i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize