now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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