Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
