She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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