if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
