i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
