Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize