got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
