he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
