And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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