Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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