A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
do herpes really smell.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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