Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
try to milk me bitch
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
