I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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