got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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