So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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