one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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