Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
