I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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