I accidentally had phone sex last night
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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