she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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