I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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