I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize