He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
