i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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