Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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