I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
