i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize