please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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