I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
