1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
vagina is talking i cant
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
