Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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