every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You ruined the universe
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
